Parents and Over-Function
Parents and Over-function
When our first child was born, my partner and I had a birth plan. We had our vision of what we wanted, what was important for our child. We were intentional. Then we had an emergency c-section and 7 days in the NICU. Yes, we had a plan, but our plan wasn’t in the script. We learned a whole lot in a week. A whole lot.
But we’re proactive people. Both our kids were sleeping through the night inside 3 months. It took intentionality to make that happen. We have friends who didn’t have a full night’s sleep for 3 years. The human tendency is to think we’re the ones doing it right when it’s going well. I don’t think it’s as simple as that. Perhaps my kids were always going to be sleepers.
Do the work as best you can, and recognize that the outcomes will not be entirely up to you.
There is a load of pressure on you to make your kids’ young-adult lives go well. They’re not newborns anymore. Far from it. Now they’re doing their own thing, driving your car, making up their own minds. There’s still a whole load of pressure on you to make sure they’re getting the best opportunities, recognizing those opportunities, and utilizing them. And they’re going to do what they’re going to do.
Kids who are over-scaffolded don’t make it. If the tutors, the coaches, your encouragement, your tolerance is compensating for what they cannot or will not do for themselves, they are not going to be able to do life on their own. I see a lot of young adults who flame out sometime during or after college from this. They can’t/won’t advocate for themselves, they under-function because you’ll have to over-function for them, a dynamic has arisen that keeps everyone else’s skin in the game but none of their own. Commonly, it’s not a conscious ploy on anyone’s part. Instead, it becomes an energetic pattern that traps the whole family.
The over-function/under-function cycle creates either depressive or cynical young adults who know they haven’t earned their spot. This is what happens when they are pushed through or bought access. Some feel ashamed and don’t believe in themselves. Others become narcissistic, unforgiving, entitled, domineering as a defense against the same lack of belief in themselves. If you’re coming from solid financial stability, if you’re able to give your kids everything they need, be careful.
You have a plan, you have a vision. I do too. I am another (imperfect) parent who sometimes looks like I have it down. At other times I’m winging-it. In a way, for me and my partner, it was easy with birth. It stopped going right and the choices disappeared. People told us what was happening and what we had to do. When our kids grow older the choices seem to multiply. The authoritative voices we have as guides may contradict each other. Nothing again is as clear as a difficult birth, perhaps. Though, what I know is, sometimes, fictions are built to keep a vision alive. Be careful. We have to let them own their choices. Most of what people learn is through consequences, good or bad. If there are no negative consequences, they cannot learn what they need to.
